A Glance into the Mirror
Emotions are a funny thing…they can just creep up on you and tear apart your life if you aren’t being vigilant. The emotions have a way of moving stealthily through your body effecting not just how you feel inside, but how you see the world and everything going on outside as well.
I think we often push our emotions into the background, as if hiding them in that dark crevice of our inner rooms will make them disappear. Oh THAT uncomfortable feeling again? Well, I will just ignore you a bit longer, and focus my attention on something that doesn’t feel so disarming. I mean, you will go away soon anyway, metamorphosing into another sensation, waxing and waning like the moon.
We sometimes believe that the emotions are independent of our physical bodies and minds, yet anyone who has paid attention long enough realizes that the emotions/feelings are completely interrelated to all the other aspects of our being. I think, I feel, I act. Or maybe I feel, I think, then I act.
I have been practicing Yoga (self-awareness practices) long enough to know that as humans we are the whole big shebang! The human experience is a messy and complex rollercoaster ride with ups and downs, curves and plateaus, joys and pains. No one escapes unscathed, or at least without a few open wounds that although may heal, will continually be a part of the subconscious mind reacting and triggering us from beneath the surface.
The last few days I have been plagued by negative thoughts, dense & heavy emotions, insecurities and deep feelings of unworthiness. They crept up like a child that had been hiding behind the curtains in a game of hide-and-seek, waiting for just the perfect moment of tranquility to add to the surprise effect. Or maybe they were there the whole time, quietly knocking on my heart for a little affection. I am so good at offering my attention to others, but sometimes fail to give back to myself.
Emotions, being a form of energy, never really dissolve…they transmute, transform, evolve. The thing is, they have the power to contaminate our mental landscape or beautify it into a golden sunset. I’m sure you have noticed how when you are in a ‘bad mood’ everything seems to be shit. Heavy dense emotions can be a veil darkening all that we experience and see around us.
From what I gather from my conversations with friends, social media, and mostly my intuition, there is a collective sense of struggle, uncertainty, and for many a bit of depression. (Or maybe that’s just me projecting my own feelings outward) Either way, it has been tough this year; sticky and prickly and uncomfortable.
And of course!! Thats often how growth feels.
So, what AM I feeling??
I am very much aware of my blessings, my good fortune, my privileged life…I SHOULDN’T be feeling this sense of despair (I keep telling myself). But I also know that one can’t push aside emotions, but rather hold a loving, compassionate space for them to BE. I see you…I am feeling you…I acknowledge that you are here within me, but you are NOT me.
So I breath, I listen, I share with my closest companions. I move my body so I make sure that there is space for these uncomfortable emotions that will tend to stagnate otherwise. I try my best to gain clarity by being mindful, self-aware and mentally conscious of my thought patterns, my triggers and the times when my past experience is flooding into the present.
I was lucky enough to begin a Yoga practice from a very early age in my life. I am absolutely certain that the awareness practices, belief system, and wisdom that the Yogic Tradition offers saved me from depression and was a pivotal force in helping me get through one of life’s biggest tragedies: the death of my young child.
This connection to Self and Source is still what continues to motivate me, gives me clarity in the darkest of moments, and keeps me on the path of discernment, joy and presence. I am eternally grateful for the teachings and teachers whose embodied knowledge, innate wisdom, and loving compassion have been a guiding force for me throughout all these years of growth and evolution.
So does this mean that I always wake-up feeling great? Empowered and confident? Not at all. What it means is that I am able to see through the lens of my own filter with more self-awareness, less reactivity and more Grace. I let myself FEEL the full spectrum of my humanness: both the pleasurable and the painful. And I believe it gives me the willingness to find more softness when I’m rigid, and more strength when I’m weak.
Even as I sit here writing down these words I can sense the darkness, that so covered my light just a few days ago, dissipating. The word GURU in Yoga, meaning Teacher, literally refers to the ONE who removes the darkness & brings the LIGHT. I believe we can all benefit from this at times in our lives. So thank you for listening, thank you for being real…and mostly, thanks for this mirror of reflection that you and I get to glance into, even if just for a brief moment in time.